By Bronwyn Heiss, LMHC, LMFT
What if we didn’t try to fix our partner’s problems or help improve their mood? Or internalize it to mean something about ourselves or our relationship? What if we were just curious, expressed empathy, and gave them space to have uncomfortable emotions? Being an empathetic witness for your partner can change everything in your relationship for the good.
Why can it be hard to enact?
This is part of the reparenting process. It’s hard for us as humans in relationship, to see someone we love in pain, whether it’s our children, partner, or friend. Or even our pet.
Parts of us can automatically go into problem solving mode, toxic positivity, or want to share our own pain.
Let’s give our children and partners more space to have big, uncomfortable emotions before dumping to “make it feel all better.” Being aware of this need, practicing, and allowing this space for discomfort to exist, takes a lot of conscious effort. But it absolutely can be done.
Some Ideas of how to start:
Ask your partner if they want your to just listen and hold space or if they are interested in problem solving.
To practice Empathy Try Using:
The Gottman Card decks (free app), have excellent examples of expressing empathy. “I would feel the same way too.” “That makes perfect sense.” “I can see how much pain you’re in.” “What do you see as your choices?”
It’s okay not to be okay, but it’s also okay for those around us to suffer. Let them have space to feel.
You can also ask, “How can I support you best in this moment?” Be curious and don’t jump into rescue.
Practice noticing how you respond and deal with your own “negative emotions.” Practice giving yourself compassion and allowing yourself to feel whatever comes up.
The RAIN acronym can help:
R: Recognize, or name it to tame it (your emotion)
A: Accept it with non-judgement, and allow it to exist without shame or guilt
I: When you are ready, you can investigate your feeling with curiosity. What message is it offering you? For example, anger can often be a message that a boundary was passed. It can be an encouragement for us to practice boundary setting with ourselves or others.
N: Non-indentify with the emotion. Just because you were feeling sad, doesn’t mean you are a depressed person…you were just sad in that moment.
Then how can you release the feeling from your body? If you are angry, there are many ways to move through this within your body, for example, even just allowing yourself to express your anger (stomping your feet, punching pillows), in a way that still keeps you, your home, and your partner safe.
Another practice, could be to simple, name the emotion, find where you feel it in your body, send compassion to it, allow it to exist, and breathe through it…
Not all emotions and triggers need to be “processed,” but if it’s the same theme coming up over and over again, and it’s disrupting your relationship with yourself or your partner, then it may be triggering a raw spot or vulnerability.
This is where I come in. My name is Bronwyn Heiss. I have successfully helped individuals and couples, change their relationship with their emotions. So that they can allow them to flow through them, feel them with acceptance, and then make the appropriate adjustments to behavior if necessary.
Many of us, didn’t grow up with the tools or resources to understand how to deal with our emotions. When couples come to me, one partner often comes in with the belief that emotions aren’t important (pull up your bootstraps and keep on marching), while another partner believes emotions are very important. This can cause an inherent ongoing conflict, which is something that we work through in Couples Therapy in order to shore up your couple bubble so that both partners feel seen, understood, and appreciated with how they see the world.
This is an extended post of one of my favorite Instagram posts, you can follow me there at @Bronwynheiss_therapy for more therapeutic content/writing/art.
