Healing From Complex Trauma (CPTSD)
Complex trauma has lasting effects.
For this journey, we need to cast off dead weight and keep only the things we have learned that are healthy. Perhaps we have to refuse legacies that are not in our interest to keep. Our feet must be securely planted in the present reality, firmly in contact with all of our resources. Integrating the past and present , and accepting every aspect of who we are, leaves us with endless possibilities as to what we can become.
-Anabel Gonzalez in “Its not me: Understanding Complex Trauma, Attachment, and Dissociation.”
Transitions are complex for most people, but they can be even more difficult for people living with the symptoms of complex/developmental trauma (CPTSD).
Complex trauma is an umbrella term to describe an array of unhelpful or maladaptive patterns of thinking about oneself, the world, and our relationships. Maladaptive means these ways of being and thinking aren’t working anymore. They are often created in childhood to protect the child emotionally but aren’t serving their purpose in adulthood.
You might relate to some or many of the ways of thinking or being of CPTSD if your parents were emotionally immature, physically absent because they had to work, or you grew up in a home that was psychologically, mentally, emotionally, or even physically abusive. Sexual abuse as a child is often common in these types of childhoods because the parents weren’t present enough to protect the children.
Reparent Yourself: Develop a new narrative that supports you
“If we have developed an awareness of this and have been making changes in the way we take care of ourselves, regulate ourselves, and relate to others, we take care of ourselves, regulate ourselves and relate to others, it’s time to rewrite our history. We can’t change the facts, but we can develop a different interpretation of them. Our new narrative won’t include guilt, pain, shame or bitterness. It does not mean that we must forgive others if they hurt us, but it is important for us not to get trapped in anger, feel like we should have done something differently, or be mired in feelings of wanting revenge. We will have reached emotional distancing, or a certain indifference which doesn’t prevent us from knowing what is wrong is wrong….”
– Anabel Gonzalez in “Its not me: Understanding Complex Trauma, Attachment, and Dissociation.”
Therapy isn’t about digging up the past unnecessarily. And we don’t have to even dig into your childhood in detail. But, it can often give a lot of context to what is happening or not happening in your life. Many clients feel relief in telling hurtful, harmful stories which they have kept secret for so long. These aren’t the kind of stories you usually share over lunch or dinner with friends.
When we look at how your childhood has shaped you, we are looking for what developmental gaps are there. A traumatic childhood can also cause attachment trauma (such as anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, or disorganized attachment) which is included in the healing process of complex trauma.
What are the weeds (negative thoughts about yourself and others) that need pulling? What are the seeds (positive, adaptive thoughts that help you grow and flourish) that need planting? How can we fertilize what is already blooming? And how can we see even more fruit on the trees that are bearing fruit?
We can give most parents the benefit of the doubt and say that most of them were trying the best they could with the skills, ability, and knowledge at that time. Still, despite their best efforts, they may have often failed to attune to you emotionally or appropriately meet your emotional, social, mental, spiritual, and developmental needs.
However, in some cases, parents may have inflicted a certain amount of abuse, that it is extremely hard to forgive, have compassion, or any grace. In these cases, the topics of forgiveness and whether even to be involved with them as an adult are difficult, complex topics that we can explore to fit your value system, needs and hopes.
As an adult, we can find ourselves in learned helplessness which prevents us from getting out of the broken cycle.
Events can trigger past trauma.
When a transition comes along, BIG or Small (infertility, pregnancy, postpartum, grad school, law school, business school, Ph.D., becoming an entrepreneur, meeting the love of your life, planning a wedding, starting a business, buying a home, renovating a house, getting a dog, moving to a new city) with more stress than usual, past CPTSD trauma can become triggered.
You might start having trouble sleeping. Maybe your anxiety or past depression, which you thought was gone, comes back. Your inner and outer critics ramp up, and deep down, you have trouble trusting people.
Thoughts may come and go or only be related to your hall of shame (list of regrettable events that carry shame). You might think things like, “I should have known better.” “What’s wrong with me?” You try to stuff them down deep and not think about them. Your family may say things like, “Get over that already… just let it go,” but you can’t let go.
You know you are worthy in your mind, but deep down, you don’t feel worthy – just worthless. You know you are capable, but imposter syndrome haunts you no matter your success. Some days, in your heart and mind, you know that you are lovable, and your needs, desires, and wants are essential, too – but your actions don’t show this. It can feel like you are in a loop of self-sabotage.
Therapy helps eliminate the weeds, and allows you to thrive again
Humans like to be comfortable, but even in a safe container, we may release much pain. The truth is, it’s painful to feel pain. But it’s even more painful to be stagnant and stuck. Our wiring is for growth.
By developing a safe, nurturing, compassionate, supportive therapeutic relationship, we will have a safe container to help plant more trees that will bear fruit, prune the trees that need it, and weed the weeds that no longer serve you.
Let’s start healing your trauma today. Call (305) 850-8804 today to set up a consultation.