By Bronwyn Heiss, LMHC, LMFT
My son is 5 months old tomorrow. It’s the last day of January. I was going to go back to work part-time in January and then February and now I’ve moved it to the beginning of March. I have cold feet now as it’s 1 month away. I’ve put all the plans into motion: reinstated liability insurance, daycare, and told all my friends and family. I’m going back to work March 5th.
But deep down, I know I don’t want to go back. I start to fight with all of my people pleasing tendencies. “My husband wants me to go back to work.” “My boss is counting on me. She has been holding my job.” “I told everyone that I’m going back.”
I’m set to meet my boss next week to plan my schedule. And the bargaining in my head begins. What if I only worked 1 half day instead of the two they are asking? The rationalizing sets in. Well, they held my job for 7 months, I owe it to them to at least give it a try.
The people pleaser starts all over again. Well remember, my husband, friend, and neighbor says it’s a good idea.
Then it sinks in. This is my choice, and really my choice alone. Yes, I need to collaborate with my husband. But, I’m responsible for clearly communicating my wants, needs, and desires.
My non-profit jobs since I graduated with my Master’s in Counseling have been one bad relationship after another.
I have compromised my own well-being as I have tried to help to heal others.
I ask myself, “What if I won the lottery?” I know the quick and easy answer is that I would not return.
I would stay primarily a full-time mom while slowly figuring out how to help, inspire, and motivate women struggling with fertility, and going through the challenges and triumphs of pregnancy and post-partum.
The big dream would be to have a wellness center to support mammas to be and mamas in their journey.
Then I do the math. After daycare, I’ll make around $100 a week if I return to my job. But my ego cries, “You may be shutting the door on this work forever!” Something else in me rejoices at the thought.
Currently, my main area of focus at work is completing Domestic Abuse Assessments with those who have been arrested for Domestic Abuse. My least favorite part is reading the arrest reports with the allegations of emotional, verbal, physical, and financial abuse. I enjoy the flexibility of my job and the people I work with, although I’m on my own with clients most of the day.
I have to ask myself, why did I choose to accept this job?
As someone who has gone through domestic violence personally, this job hits on many vulnerabilities daily.
Yet this is the best of all the worst jobs I’ve had!! It’s the most flexible and highest paying.
I can’t imagine finding a better job than this in my field.
And this is where I have the choice to choose differently.
I’ve been playing it safe too long. I feel we are here to serve, and meet our life purpose by giving back our specific gifts to the world and community we live in.
Since I graduated from my Master’s in Counseling in 2011, I’ve accepted to be paid less than what I made as a teacher or a waitress, I’ve accepted that my happiness is less important than having a job, and I haven’t been able to fully be present for the people I’ve tried to help and heal.
What lessons do I want to model for my son? Even though many of us feel we are stuck at our jobs for financial, emotional, or practical reasons, I believe we all deserve more. We are told that most people don’t love their jobs. We often don’t see many other options.
Being in a job that does not serve your highest good, doesn’t benefit you or anyone else. I want to show my son that it is possible to love what you do and also be rewarded financially.
If you stay in the relationship, the job, the city that doesn’t make your heart sing, then you just won’t have the space or availability to find what does.
Not everyone can quit their job today. But I suggest taking small steps every day toward your true purpose. Look into more schooling, certifications, or just researching what you’d really like to do. And take the time to envision and dream something fulfilling and rewarding.
Use your support systems such as friends, family, and neighbors who can motivate and inspire you. Pray and ask support from a higher power if you believe. And most importantly, take the action steps needed.
The world needs us mothers to step up right now to shine our lights.
January 31, 2018
*Epilogue: I waited to return to work until my son was 18 months old. At that time, I organically felt the calling to return to work. I joined a group practice, where I really was reunited with my passion for helping clients heal (outside of the broken system of non-profit). After three years in a group practice, I opened up my own private practice in 2022. I feel fully present now, happy, fulfilled as my own entrepreneur and boss. It can still be challenging to balance work/life/family, but with effective habits and planning, I find a way to not only show up for my clients, my family, but for myself. I actually find that by showing up for myself, is what allows me to show up for everyone else.
